Reality is my Narcodex

So yeah, I am definitely having a hard time keeping this blog up. I keep telling myself, I will start writing in it more often, but something always gets in the way. This time it is reality. Being broke, having no job, not having my own apartment (big ups to Adia for putting up with my ass in a cute, but small studio apartment), it all just makes me tired. I am just tired all the damn time right now. Writing feels like a luxury, and although I know this is wrong, it just seems like if I do that instead of finding a job or a place to live, I just feel bad. Besides that, reality has a way of numbing my creativity. Stuff is so stressful right now, I can barely read let alone write without thinking, hmm, I wonder how I will afford to eat today.

So, I’m going to stop making promises on this blog. I will write when the desire hits me.

And oh, for whoever is reading this, I don’t know if Narcodex is a real word, but Google sort of said it was, so that is enough for me.  So there.

Published in: on July 30, 2008 at 12:30 pm  Leave a Comment  

Shout Outs!

Wanted to point out a couple of new links I just put up. They aren’t about writing per se, but they are my buddies, both aspiring artists, and awesome writers. They are more experienced with this blog thing than I am, so visit their site and see how a real blog is done :) The links take you to the website of Adia Morris, which gives pics, her resume, and a link to her blog, and to the blog Modelliberation, by Nikia Phoenix.

Published in: on July 19, 2008 at 2:31 pm  Leave a Comment  

Dream big, start small

It hit me a month ago that maybe I’m not going about this writing thing in the best way. I am an extreme person…it’s either all or nothing with me. When I wanted to go to college, I had to go to a top five university. When I wanted to learn German, I didn’t just go to Germany once, but four different times, one of those times being for a year. When I wanted to do something that would “push my intellectual stimulation” and at some point in the near future help me earn mad dough, I went to law school. I don’t do things in a “small” way. So, when I decided to “become a writer,” I began writing a book. A damn book. Do y’all know what the average word count for a book is? Well, somewhere in between 50,000 and 60,000, and that is on the lower end. So far, I have around 35,000. Like I said, I don’t do things small.

I have tried sending out book proposals to various publishing agencies, because I didn’t think I needed to deal with a middle man. Go straight to the source, is what I told myself. Literary agencies? They are for people who are don’t do things big time, for people who are ok with waiting. Of course, this was my nice way of deluding myself. As the rejection letters from the publishing companies began to return to me, I thought, hmmm, maybe I should start sending my stuff to literary agents. When I started receiving rejection letters from literary agents, I had to rethink the whole process…what the hell was I doing, how was I really going to go about it, and how was I going to suddenly get the patience needed for the task that now lay ahead of me?

I decided to take a break from trying to get my book published all together. I decided I was going to focus on just writing. I mean, how am I going to go from being a lawyer, to being a teacher of juvenile delinquents, to being a bum in Jamaica and Australia, then suddenly to some accomplished writer? When was the last time I actually wrote creatively before law school? It had been years, so I decided I need to practice…to make sure that this is what I really wanted in the first place. And I wrote…I wrote multiple short stories, I wrote a children’s book, and I started applying for writing gigs with online magazines. Of those online magazines, I have two possibilities of writing with seemingly legit sites. Hopefully soon, I will have a link to my work on those sites…it isn’t a published book, but it is a start…and pretty cool start, if I do say so myself.

Published in: on July 19, 2008 at 2:25 pm  Leave a Comment  

We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams…

When I was in college, I used to dance in musicals. Before each musical, our group, fondly called Hoof ‘n Horn, would recite these words and the rest of the poem, written by Arthur O’Shaughnessy, to get ourselves hyped up. These words were always magical to me…they truly made me feel that we could do whatever we wanted. I had been pretty much told and convinced that Duke University was an awesome, sensible college and that I was privileged to be there. My family had always supported my decisions to dance and play the oboe in the band, but never had said “you can actually make a career out of it.” When I scored a high grade on my SATs, the words “Oh wow, now you can become a backup dancer for Janet Jackson” (which was truly a dream of mine) never crossed their lips. What did come out of their mouths was “you can go to Duke with that score.” And so I did. Duke was great, a great school, no doubt, and I did want to go. But what made me happiest wasn’t the curriculum, the intellectual dribble spit out from the intellectual snobs during classes…it was when I danced that I felt most alive. Because we were the music makers and we were the dreamers of dreams.

So what did I do? I studied German and Comparative Area Studies. I went to Germany to teach for a year. I worked as an administrative assistant for the LL.M. in Bankruptcy Program at St. John’s School of Law. And then I went to Georgetown University Law Center. I stopped dancing. I pretty much stopped dreaming.

A year ago, I started writing…and it felt good. I felt like I was rediscovering that creative young woman who had once graced a stage with poise, grace and excitement. Me with my laptop, in cafes, in libraries, writing…writing pages upon pages at a time. It felt natural, like I had been missing some crucial part of me for some time, and finding it was amazing.

I told my mom. She actually giggled a bit, but she asked to read my writing. She read it. Her comment, “Wow, you can actually write! And you are actually funny!” Thanks mom. But I appreciated her desire to actually read my writing. She has been incredibly supportive ever since. Now, the rest of my family, their support has been somewhat lacking. I mean, writing isn’t going to Duke or Georgetown Law, now is it? As some close family members just told me, “That’s like being an artist or something.” The look of distaste on their faces was hard to miss. They actually said “forget this writing thing…what can you do to make an actual income?” Dismissed me without even asking if I was any good, if they could read my stuff to judge for themselves. Writing is a dream, but what if it isn’t an impossible dream? And why are people so loathe to believe that dreams can come true? When did we become so cynical…I mean, people make their dreams come true all the time, why can’t I? Don’t get me wrong…I do need an income. I am so broke, even the creditors have gotten the picture and have stopped calling me (OK, OK, my phone has been disconnected, so that is probably the main reason they aren’t calling anymore). So I will get a 9-5 or whatever type of job to make ends meet. But I am going to keep writing. And everyone who doesn’t agree can kiss my music making and dreaming behind.

Published in: on July 5, 2008 at 2:40 pm  Comments (1)  
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